Beer guts aren't any prettier than our desk jockey posteriors.

If you think long hair is always more attractive than short hair, you wash it, style it, trim the split ends, and brush it out and we'll leave it long.

We love to run our fingers through you guys' hair and then you lose it and we are still stuck with you.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries should be your signal to find the perfect present!  Hope springs eternal that you would learn. 

I'd just like an answer to my questions once in a while. CAN YOU HEAR ME! 

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Do something about that **** eating grin so we won't believe that you are thinking of us.

VROOM I like sports as long as you guys aren't chasing some stupid ball.

Good heavens, shopping is a science, an art, an avocation.  We never considered it a sport.

Two pairs of sneakers and some Mexican sandals, come on, they do not constitute too many shoes.  We aren't even going to count the t-shirts and khaki pants.

Crying may be blackmail but it didn't seem to work for me!

You guys always say you want us to be direct but when we are you just say no.  And really it is in your best interest to do what we ask.  We know what is best for you.

Women should get married on or near their man's birthday, he'll never forget it.

Fine. Wipe it up when you miss while standing up.

We are fishing for a compliment when we ask you to help us choose a pair of shoes, silly.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do.

hahahahahahahahahahahaha.  Coming to you with a problem to help solve is useless.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

If you want to live, sympathy is not what girlfriends are for.

Our 17 month headache has its origin with you.  You guys need to see Dr. Ruth.

Stop watching so much sports and we won't try to take quizzes with you!

We are like the IRS, we never forget, so you shouldn't say it if you don't want us to remember what you said over six months ago.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and you expect us to select the one that does not make us sad and angry, you must explain it in that context.

The gene that allows you to ogle gets spliced when you say "I DO".

You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to
do something but not both.

We will never get on the right ferry if we can't tell you to do something and how to do it.

We are in trouble since the commercials are the only thing you guys watch anymore. The shows suck.  XFL just might be the best thing that ever happened to marriages.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Scratch what itches in PRIVATE please.  The same goes for passing gas or any other body eruptions.

Apologize for everything you know you did wrong in the last 15 minutes or take us out shopping for shoes.

A doily is something to keep your greasy handprints off our furniture. DUH!

So take that Snicklefritz, with a name like that it's no wonder you don't know women.