Snicklefritz Grubb

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO
SNICKLEFRITZ GRUBB

Snicklefritz Grubb, that loveable character (?) who emerged during our Melodrama Those Wedding Bells Shall not Ring Out..or, The Bride Wore Green Chili Peppers, is quoted frequently at The Ranch. A brief glance at the following mind expanding quotes and views of his world will immediately let you know why! They are full of the wisdom of the ages.

Snickelfritz Grubb
(Nuestro savant malo)

Snicklefritz sends a message to women and his ex-wife rebuts this diatribe. Click here for this rebuttal.

To Women Everywhere from a Man Who's Had Enough:

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.

One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really, you have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

We don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

It's neither in your best interest nor ours to take a quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter what quiz.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic!

You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to do something but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

All men see only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting to us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

What the hell is a doily?

Snicklefritz is of solid Germanic stock, not a native Texan but he moved to Texas as soon as he could! His move to Lakewood, New Mexico came later in life but for now, let's look at his advice contained in the Snicklefritz Traveler's Guide to Texas for Foreigners:

Like it or not, the new Texas White House will be in Crawford, Texas, and soon will be drawing a number of people to the state, including many who are not used to Texas ways. They might find the following advice useful:

1.	Don't expect to find filet mignon or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
2.	Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bubba, Bobby Ray, Curley, Tammy Lynn, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.) or we will HAVE to kick your ass.
3.	Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
4.	We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass.
5.	We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Phil Gramm). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'.
6.	Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or we'll kick your ass.
7.	We are fully aware of how hot it gets and how high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll kick your ass.
8.	Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week.
9.	Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before we kick it.
10.	Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
11.	Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught on fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Pittsburgh, PA.
12.	Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they will kick your ass - just like they did ours.
13.	Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass.
14.	DO NOT DARE to tell us how to cook barbeque. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbeque and you may go home in a pine box - minus your ass.
15.	Remember, the only reason you are lucky enough to be here in the first place is because we have not pulled the Border Patrol off the Rio Grande and put them on the Red River (where they really belong) to keep your ass out.
16.	Enjoy your visit.